Why I don't need a boyfriend
But like, if I enjoy his company, I guess I’ll keep him.
I’ve been single since the summer of 2023. In those years, I’ve learned I’d rather be single even after I die than desperately search for another self entitled man-child to take care of again.
Right now, the boyfriend market, aka all the dating apps — is filled with absolute rancid men.
Sadly… Substack is too.
After sharing my Pride Month article in a group chat, someone wrote that my story was “too anti-men.” That wasn’t my intention at all.
I had double-checked the piece to ensure it was diverse and inclusive. I just wanted to celebrate humans and one of the many forms they take.
I was kind to the user.
I was respectful.
I accepted their private apology.
Then I got busy and didn’t respond.
But he kept messaging me.
Why the hell did I wake up this morning to a 38-year-old man telling me I “need to take more nudes”?
Huh.
What.
Okay. Alright. Nice guys finish last, right?
Well, I reported and blocked him.
And if he somehow sees this:
That was sexual harassment.
You disgust me.
Apologizing does not, and will never, cancel out that behavior.
You’re incredibly vile, and I’m not sorry for saying that. I tried being kind.
If kindness gets twisted into an invitation, I’d rather not be approached at all. This is exactly why I don’t need a boyfriend.
And if I don’t want to be approached, and I’m not desperate to find one — then I don’t need one.
Yes, I’m on dating apps. But I’m not rushing anything. If something develops, cool. If not, I’ll keep chilling.
Like most people, I want a partner. Someone to haunt the afterlife with. Or be reborn with, maybe as a matched pair of messenger pigeons. Anything, as long as I’m with them.
But I don’t know what’s in energy drinks these days — boys have always been a little grimy, but something feels… different.
And just to clarify: I don’t hate men. But I do dislike them… cautiously. Because of my history. Because of the people I love. Because of what I’ve seen. It’s not bitterness. It’s boundaries.
(And here are two words you can sit with for a while: male dolphins.)
I cautiously dislike men I meet until they prove themselves. And I don’t always reply right away while I’m on the apps, I don’t always reply right away. Usually it’s because of my ADHD or chronic pain. But, it’s mainly because I’m just not willing to give strangers instant access to me anymore.
And if we’re texting and I stop replying after a few messages? I saw a red flag. If you’re weird in the first few messages, then I’m not going to force myself to entertain it.
Literally, the other day, I was chatting with a guy on Tinder. He told me he “prefers angry shows.” That message really rubbed me the wrong way.
I waited to respond, but when I didn’t reply within 24 hours, he got mad.
So, I blocked him too.
I know I sound picky. But I’m just looking for someone who believes in the basics — human rights, animal rights, freaking climate change. Didn’t think those would end up on my “dream boyfriend” checklist, but here we are in 2025.
I’m not aiming for perfection. I’m not asking for psychic powers. I just want to feel certain.
Because last time, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
How am I supposed to trust the next person isn’t lying, when the last time the person I loved told me things like:
“I want to marry you.”
“I want a family with you.”
“I want to move in with you.”
“I won’t leave you again.”
Like okay, Shakespeare. Bold of you to monologue when you can’t even define the relationship.
You don’t want a partner — you want to have boyfriend benefits without the accountability.
A girl who plays house for you. Romantic aesthetics without the actual romance. You want a “ride or die” while you ghost me, again.
Then you hit me with, “I don’t want you to think badly of me. I still want to be friends. I just can’t date right now.”
Shut up.
A few days later, I called you out. You got mad.
Time after time. Year after year. For. Ten. Freaking. Years.
The same cycle, the same games, the same manipulative script.
I’m a person, and I’m done dating a man who thinks just saying “sorry” is character development.
Back in early 2021, when my ex and I were broken up for a bit, I went on a date with an incredible guy. He literally could’ve been the guy.
We went on four dates. My biggest complaint? We split the bill twice.
Now that I’m medicated and have actually done some deep reflection:
I was the problem.
I ghosted him because he was too kind.
He didn’t do anything wrong.
He was being respectful. And I panicked.
Not because of him — but because of the unresolved trauma caused by my gaslighting, narcissistic ex.
Kindness felt suspicious.
That’s not on him. That’s on the trauma.
But he changed me. He’s the reason I’m not rushing anymore. Because if someone that good liked me once, they’ll like me again. I just have to be ready this time — to receive it and not run.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about him. Wondering if we’ll ever run into each other.
But if I never do, thank you for raising my standards. You helped me more than you’ll ever know. I genuinely hope life gives you everything you have ever wished for.
I’d rather be single forever, or be with someone incredible, than settle for another version of my ex.
There’s more to life than begging someone — who clearly doesn’t love you — to love you.
So yes, be single. Download the apps. Flirt. Have fun.
But don’t perform for men. (Or anyone else, depending on your flavor.) Don’t search like your life depends on it.
Just be you.
If it happens, it happens.
If not? That’s peace.
That’s why I don't need a boyfriend.
But like, if I enjoy his company, I guess I’ll keep him.
always,
Kaylirose 💜✨